School started on the 17th. I planned on it being a good year, I was going to be positive and happy and not let anything or anybody bring me down. Plans change though and mine definitely have cause this year hasn’t started out well. The first day my pickup was sitting in the parking lot at school and got hit, it damaged it enough that I’m not allowed to drive it. My year has just seemed to get worse from there I’ve felt like anything would be better than staying here. I was ready to quit what I love (cross country) in order to not have to stay at school. Luckily I have an amazing coach who talked me out of it. He told me that sometimes you have to run on the days you don’t think you can. If school is an issue you need to set your priorities as: Faith, family, running then school. I know a lot of people would say school needs to be ahead of running, but running is going to keep my grades up cause they have to stay up for me to be able to run. What my coach said has kept me going but life still isn’t going great. There has been good and bad, I mean I took 1st at my first cross country meet but then my grandma that I just met this summer is in very bad condition health wise and my aunts dog who has been my companion also died. Most people don’t understand why I care so much about my grandmother i just met but I feel like I’m just getting to know her and she is ripped away from me. Yes I don’t know her but she is still family it’s like giving up a child you just gave birth too and handing it to a new family.
I have started dealing with some health problems. They have caused me to be out a week of cross and have caused me to miss a lot of school. No one knows what is wrong exactly, I have gotten told it is either anxiety or SVT. Either way it won’t kill me. A lot of people especially my coach seem to think it is just anxiety, but I don’t. I felt fine mentally until everyone started calling it anxiety. It makes me feel like I’m going insane and I hate it. Why is it that anytime I have health issues people call it anxiety or stress? Not everything is mental!
My grandma is doing better, me not so much. I am tired and worn, and everyone expects me to just get over it and push through. I don’t know that I am strong enough to push through anymore it is a lot easier said then done. No one understands what I am dealing with and truthfully all I want is a friend to hold me all night and tell me it’s ok to feel this way. I want a break and a life where i get to choose and not be expected to be such a good kid. I want to be free!
I was talking with a friend and we talked about how I would feel if I got told I had 6 months to live. What would I do? Say? Feel? I said I would be okay with it, that I would tell off everyone i wanted to and leave school cause it wasn’t going to help me anyway. I would go travel. The worst part would be how my family and friends would act towards me. Is it wrong that I’m not afraid of dying and that i’m actually okay with it. I’m not saying that i’m suicidal, but if doctors were to tell me that I was dying I’d be okay.