Struggles

Life has been really tough lately, and truthfully I haven’t been handling it well. I have tried running away, self harming and even thought about suicide. I realize that things should never be that bad but right now I feel they are. Everything seemed to get bad when I told about the abuse from my oldest brother. I didn’t realize it was going to cause so many issues but it has. I feel like a lot of my family has turned against me or my sister who was just trying to stand up for me. My grandma who had always been my backbone took my brother’s side over mine and I feel like I lost all my stability. I am so tired of not sleeping cause my mind is running or I’m afraid of him coming back and hurting me worse. I’m tired of waking up in tears cause of nightmares about it or walk through school and be so afraid someone else will do the same thing. I just want help and I don’t know how or where to get it. I don’t even really know what kind of help I want or need. I want to talk about it but I’m afraid of being judged. I want to explain everything that happened but am afraid people won’t believe me. I want my friends dad to just hold me and let me cry and tell me that everything will be okay.  I want to be out of my house and not have to worry about him knowing how to get in and not having to worry about walking in my room or house and breaking down because of the memories. I just want to be okay! While struggling with all that at home school has been a struggle too. I feel like I just can’t concentrate and feel so behind. Teachers are getting worried and say they are here to help but I feel like they won’t understand or they will just say they are sorry. I don’t want to hear that though. I just want them to listen, specifically I want 1 to listen. I have always been able to talk and relate with him, and he has always tried his best to help and not push. I just don’t know how to bring it up to him. I walked out of his class today and really hoped he would follow me. I just don’t know what to do.

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