I just moved to college… again, but a different one. I love it here, I’m at peace, calmer and more comfortable here then the last one. I have a emotional support dog who is with me, her name is Lady. Things are going really well, I’m on the cross country team… with a coach who understands mental illness. I have made friends on both the team and outside it. Orientation is a little frustrating and anxiety inducing but I’ve survived.
Tonight was really hard though we did karaoke for orientation and it made me remember my best friend. She was an amazing singer, person, and friend! She would been a sophomore in college had the mental illness not won. Memories of her singing, and us laughing pop in my head and I have to hold back tears because I wish I still had her to talk to and ask advice and lean on when things got tough. I wanted to stand up and to sing tonight for her but I couldn’t. I wasn’t brave enough or confident enough to feel like i could honor her and give justice to her. I wish I could have 5 more minutes with her to apologize, tell her it’s not worth it to die, show her i’m here and need her. She passed and a part of me went with. No one understands the random tears because of a song playing, or a smell, or even just walking into an auditorium. Tonight it was my friend I thought of and broke, some days it’s my cousin or my grandmother, sometimes it’s the old me. I know everybody dies at some point but sometimes I wish they didn’t. I wish when memories came up I was happier but instead I lay in bed listening to sad songs.
Another tough thing right now is memories come when I’m with a group of friends and it causes me to feel more lonely around them then when I’m alone. Which stinks cause I want to have fun but I’m not happy so it hard. I wish I could feel happy and normal just for a full day with the team. My mental illness makes me feel like an outsider even when I’m not and I’m afraid people will think I’m rude when I try not to be.
I plan to post in the future about my college life with a support dog so watch for them!
Savannah's Speculations 