The Transition

I just graduated from high school in December and started college in January. It has been a huge transition. With my anxiety and depression it hasn’t been the smoothest. I’m on the track team at college and can tell my coach is starting to get frustrated with me. I don’t know what to do though, I got put on anxiety medication and that’s helping but it’s making me extremely tired. I feel if it’s not one thing it’s another and I’m afraid my coach will give up on me. He says he believes in me and wants me here if I want to be, and I do. I understand why he would be frustrated because it’s a lot to deal with, I’m living it I know. He is trying his best to help but I feel like no one else at the college is, I feel like I have to beg for everything answer. My teachers seem to think I should know how everything works and say stuff is review when I never learned it in the first place. I get that I came in the middle of the year but I feel the school could be a little more helpful. I don’t get homesick but I want some of my old teachers back, they understood and could explain things so I understood. My therapist thinks an emotional support animal might be good for me and I’d love to have one but don’t know if it’s worth the fight. I don’t know if any of this is worth the fight. I’m tired of telling everyone I’m fine and that I love college when in reality it sucks. I get told I’m strong and have been through worse and I have, but not alone. Even if it was family drama I had my dog to help me through everything. I honestly hate college right now, at least at Colby. I’m wondering if it’s truly the right fit for me. I love the coach and the team but I don’t know if academic wise it will work. The teachers seem all over the place like they can’t focus on just one topic and that is chaotic and stressful to me. Back to my coach, there is so much I want to say and explain I just don’t know how to without either falling apart or him seeing me so differently. I mean I’ve been at college for a month and my coach has already sat in the E.R with me, so I guess I shouldn’t be worried but I am. I don’t want him to decide I’m too much to handle and give up because I know I can do it I just need to find my path and I need help doing that. All of my support is 2 hours away now and without that support system it’s hard. I’m trying to build a new support but it’s hard because I don’t trust people very easily. I just hope my coach understands that I am trying my best right now.

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Midnight Runs

Midnight 4 milers because I can’t sleep due to anxiety and stress and missing a best friend. People don’t see these runs, but I’m still known as a runner. I have always been told that running takes consistency and commitment. Running with mental illness those things seem impossible sometimes. I have day where I don’t feel like running or being around people, and on those days I wonder why people see me as a runner. I’m just starting to run under a new coach and I’ve already missed quite a few practices but he doesn’t know about my midnight runs. The runs in snow boots and pajamas with a heavy coat. The runs with my music and memories. The runs where it’s just me and and my tears. I’ve heard lots of people say that their best thoughts come when they can’t sleep at night, for me that’s when my best runs are. For some reason the cool brisk night air and the dark sky with polkadots of light is comforting. I know it’s probably stupid to go on midnight runs when I’ve got morning practice and an exam the next day, but what else would I do. Running is my stress reliever and for some reason my stress comes at night. While no one sees my consistency or commitment or determination it’s there, just hidden in the darkness of my midnight runs.

State Assessments

Government I’m calling you out! You make us take these assessments every year from before we even know what the word assessment means, but why? I refuse to take anymore until someone comes down and explains the point. To be honest I think you like to just stress us out and watch the teachers panic, because no one can tell me why we take them and half the teachers say there is no point. (Read this:¬†https://savannahmoore2017.wordpress.com/2017/01/26/stressed-out/ )

I wish more people would stand up against this. They are so afraid of getting in trouble when there is nothing anyone can do if we refuse to take it. The school can’t hold are diploma or fail us and the government can’t fire the teachers. So why is no one willing to stand up and fight against it. I am tired of being a puppet for the school and government! I dare someone to try forcing me to continue to do this crap.

I dare to be different! I am standing up and challenging the government, and the school. I challenge everyone to stop being a scared pupped and do the same. They can’t punish everyone and we are so powerful when we stand together! Until then I will be a lone wolf and stand by myself because I am not scared of the school or the government.

I am defiant, bull headed and determined so try me!!!

Why????

Why are people so rude?

Why are we supposed to respect adults if they don’t respect us?

Why is it so wrong to speak up about abuse?

Why do we care so much about what others think?

Why do we listen to others instead of doing what we feel is best?

WHY??????????

I am tired of following societies rules. From now on if teachers lie, are rude, or don’t treat kids right I’m not going to give them respect. I will speak up about the abuse and will stand up for anyone and everyone. I will follow my heart and stop caring so much about what others think.

I am going to write my story not let anyone else! My family can’t control me and I’m not letting them make my decisions for me. I am me! I have struggled enough with life because I let others make my decisions an I’m done. This is my story and it is not ending this way!!!

If people don’t like my decisions and don’t support me then I don’t need them. I can and will not only survive but thrive on my own!!!!!!! No one will control me.

I am not letting the world beat me. I will change the world one day for the better!

People want to ban guns because of the school shooting but it won’t change anything. The only that will stop this violence is if people change. We need to be kinder, stronger, and more courageous to do what is right

Struggles

Life has been really tough lately, and truthfully I haven’t been handling it well. I have tried running away, self harming and even thought about suicide. I realize that things should never be that bad but right now I feel they are. Everything seemed to get bad when I told about the abuse from my oldest brother. I didn’t realize it was going to cause so many issues but it has. I feel like a lot of my family has turned against me or my sister who was just trying to stand up for me. My grandma who had always been my backbone took my brother’s side over mine and I feel like I lost all my stability. I am so tired of not sleeping cause my mind is running or I’m afraid of him coming back and hurting me worse. I’m tired of waking up in tears cause of nightmares about it or walk through school and be so afraid someone else will do the same thing. I just want help and I don’t know how or where to get it. I don’t even really know what kind of help I want or need. I want to talk about it but I’m afraid of being judged. I want to explain everything that happened but am afraid people won’t believe me. I want my friends dad to just hold me and let me cry and tell me that everything will be okay.  I want to be out of my house and not have to worry about him knowing how to get in and not having to worry about walking in my room or house and breaking down because of the memories. I just want to be okay! While struggling with all that at home school has been a struggle too. I feel like I just can’t concentrate and feel so behind. Teachers are getting worried and say they are here to help but I feel like they won’t understand or they will just say they are sorry. I don’t want to hear that though. I just want them to listen, specifically I want 1 to listen. I have always been able to talk and relate with him, and he has always tried his best to help and not push. I just don’t know how to bring it up to him. I walked out of his class today and really hoped he would follow me. I just don’t know what to do.

Life

School started on the 17th. I planned on it being a good year, I was going to be positive and happy and not let anything or anybody bring me down. Plans change though and mine definitely have cause this year hasn’t started out well. The first day my pickup was sitting in the parking lot at school and got hit, it damaged it enough that I’m not allowed to drive it. My year has just seemed to get worse from there I’ve felt like anything would be better than staying here. I was ready to quit what I love (cross country) in order to not have to stay at school. Luckily I have an amazing coach who talked me out of it. He told me that sometimes you have to run on the days you don’t think you can. If school is an issue you need to set your priorities as: Faith, family, running then school. I know a lot of people would say school needs to be ahead of running, but running is going to keep my grades up cause they have to stay up for me to be able to run. What my coach said has kept me going but life still isn’t going great. There has been good and bad, I mean I took 1st at my first cross country meet but then my grandma that I just met this summer is in very bad condition health wise and my aunts dog who has been my companion also died. Most people don’t understand why I care so much about my grandmother i just met but I feel like I’m just getting to know her and she is ripped away from me. Yes I don’t know her but she is still family it’s like giving up a child you just gave birth too and handing it to a new family.

I have started dealing with some health problems. They have caused me to be out a week of cross and have caused me to miss a lot of school. No one knows what is wrong exactly, I have gotten told it is either anxiety or SVT. Either way it won’t kill me. A lot of people especially my coach seem to think it is just anxiety, but I don’t. I felt fine mentally until everyone started calling it anxiety. It makes me feel like I’m going insane and I hate it. Why is it that anytime I have health issues people call it anxiety or stress? Not everything is mental!

My grandma is doing better, me not so much. I am tired and worn, and everyone expects me to just get over it and push through. I don’t know that I am strong enough to push through anymore it is a lot easier said then done. No one understands what I am dealing with and truthfully all I want is a friend to hold me all night and tell me it’s ok to feel this way. I want a break and a life where i get to choose and not be expected to be such a good kid. I want to be free!

I was talking with a friend and we talked about how I would feel if I got told I had 6 months to live. What would I do? Say? Feel? I said I would be okay with it, that I would tell off everyone i wanted to and leave school cause it wasn’t going to help me anyway. I would go travel. The worst part would be how my family and friends would act towards me. Is it wrong that I’m not afraid of dying and that i’m actually okay with it. I’m not saying that i’m suicidal, but if doctors were to tell me that I was dying I’d be okay.

Behind my eyes

This is a poem I wrote a couple years ago at writers camp. This is me, it’s who I am.

I am a lavender Pegasus on a cloudy day

unique but quiet

I am shy and yellow like a duckling

glowing on a sunny day

listening to a harp underwater

I am a fire

rumbling like a chorus of drums

shaking a forest of trees

I am riversong

protector of the tourqouise bookstore

“Night” Journal Entry #4

“We were the masters of nature, the masters of the world. We had transcended everything—death, fatigue, our natural needs. We were stronger than cold and hunger, stronger than the guns and the desire to die, doomed and rootless, nothing but numbers, we were the only men on earth.” pg 87

Elie is saying here that they have survived everything but are still doomed to nothingness. That even though they’ve made it through a lot they will never be good enough to amount to anything besides numbers. They are the only men on earth but they aren’t treated like humans.So does anything even matter anymore?

“Night” Journal Entry 3

“Me too, me too…They told me too to stay in the camp.” They had recorded his number without him noticing. What are we going to do? I said anxiously. But it was he who tried to reassure me: It’s not certain yet. there’s still a chance. Today they will do another selection… a decisive one…” Pg 74

Elie’s dad sounds excited at first but i thin he is actually very nervous. He thought he passed selection but he didn’t he has been asked to stay back at camp for another selection the one that will decide who gets to live and who dies. Elie is very nervous and upset he doesn’t want to lose his dad but he knows that he has really aged since coming. Elie is very worried. His dad is trying to convince him everything will be okay even though he himself doesn’t believe it.

“Night” Journal Entry 2

“Behind me, I heard the same man asking: For God’s sake, where is God? And from within me, I heard a voice answer: Where He is? This is where-hanging here from this gallows…”  Page 65

I feel like Elie and the other prisoners just lost all hope. I think they are saying that their God and savior is hanging there dying. They feel like if he dies then there will be no one to save them. It’s kinda like when Jesus was on the cross and people were asking why he doesn’t save himself. The prisoners were seeing this boy who had brightened their days even though he was living in this miserable place just like them. If a young boy could stay positive and survive so could they.