Struggles

Life has been really tough lately, and truthfully I haven’t been handling it well. I have tried running away, self harming and even thought about suicide. I realize that things should never be that bad but right now I feel they are. Everything seemed to get bad when I told about the abuse from my oldest brother. I didn’t realize it was going to cause so many issues but it has. I feel like a lot of my family has turned against me or my sister who was just trying to stand up for me. My grandma who had always been my backbone took my brother’s side over mine and I feel like I lost all my stability. I am so tired of not sleeping cause my mind is running or I’m afraid of him coming back and hurting me worse. I’m tired of waking up in tears cause of nightmares about it or walk through school and be so afraid someone else will do the same thing. I just want help and I don’t know how or where to get it. I don’t even really know what kind of help I want or need. I want to talk about it but I’m afraid of being judged. I want to explain everything that happened but am afraid people won’t believe me. I want my friends dad to just hold me and let me cry and tell me that everything will be okay.  I want to be out of my house and not have to worry about him knowing how to get in and not having to worry about walking in my room or house and breaking down because of the memories. I just want to be okay! While struggling with all that at home school has been a struggle too. I feel like I just can’t concentrate and feel so behind. Teachers are getting worried and say they are here to help but I feel like they won’t understand or they will just say they are sorry. I don’t want to hear that though. I just want them to listen, specifically I want 1 to listen. I have always been able to talk and relate with him, and he has always tried his best to help and not push. I just don’t know how to bring it up to him. I walked out of his class today and really hoped he would follow me. I just don’t know what to do.

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Life

School started on the 17th. I planned on it being a good year, I was going to be positive and happy and not let anything or anybody bring me down. Plans change though and mine definitely have cause this year hasn’t started out well. The first day my pickup was sitting in the parking lot at school and got hit, it damaged it enough that I’m not allowed to drive it. My year has just seemed to get worse from there I’ve felt like anything would be better than staying here. I was ready to quit what I love (cross country) in order to not have to stay at school. Luckily I have an amazing coach who talked me out of it. He told me that sometimes you have to run on the days you don’t think you can. If school is an issue you need to set your priorities as: Faith, family, running then school. I know a lot of people would say school needs to be ahead of running, but running is going to keep my grades up cause they have to stay up for me to be able to run. What my coach said has kept me going but life still isn’t going great. There has been good and bad, I mean I took 1st at my first cross country meet but then my grandma that I just met this summer is in very bad condition health wise and my aunts dog who has been my companion also died. Most people don’t understand why I care so much about my grandmother i just met but I feel like I’m just getting to know her and she is ripped away from me. Yes I don’t know her but she is still family it’s like giving up a child you just gave birth too and handing it to a new family.

I have started dealing with some health problems. They have caused me to be out a week of cross and have caused me to miss a lot of school. No one knows what is wrong exactly, I have gotten told it is either anxiety or SVT. Either way it won’t kill me. A lot of people especially my coach seem to think it is just anxiety, but I don’t. I felt fine mentally until everyone started calling it anxiety. It makes me feel like I’m going insane and I hate it. Why is it that anytime I have health issues people call it anxiety or stress? Not everything is mental!

My grandma is doing better, me not so much. I am tired and worn, and everyone expects me to just get over it and push through. I don’t know that I am strong enough to push through anymore it is a lot easier said then done. No one understands what I am dealing with and truthfully all I want is a friend to hold me all night and tell me it’s ok to feel this way. I want a break and a life where i get to choose and not be expected to be such a good kid. I want to be free!

I was talking with a friend and we talked about how I would feel if I got told I had 6 months to live. What would I do? Say? Feel? I said I would be okay with it, that I would tell off everyone i wanted to and leave school cause it wasn’t going to help me anyway. I would go travel. The worst part would be how my family and friends would act towards me. Is it wrong that I’m not afraid of dying and that i’m actually okay with it. I’m not saying that i’m suicidal, but if doctors were to tell me that I was dying I’d be okay.

Behind my eyes

This is a poem I wrote a couple years ago at writers camp. This is me, it’s who I am.

I am a lavender Pegasus on a cloudy day

unique but quiet

I am shy and yellow like a duckling

glowing on a sunny day

listening to a harp underwater

I am a fire

rumbling like a chorus of drums

shaking a forest of trees

I am riversong

protector of the tourqouise bookstore

“Night” Journal Entry #4

“We were the masters of nature, the masters of the world. We had transcended everything—death, fatigue, our natural needs. We were stronger than cold and hunger, stronger than the guns and the desire to die, doomed and rootless, nothing but numbers, we were the only men on earth.” pg 87

Elie is saying here that they have survived everything but are still doomed to nothingness. That even though they’ve made it through a lot they will never be good enough to amount to anything besides numbers. They are the only men on earth but they aren’t treated like humans.So does anything even matter anymore?

“Night” Journal Entry 3

“Me too, me too…They told me too to stay in the camp.” They had recorded his number without him noticing. What are we going to do? I said anxiously. But it was he who tried to reassure me: It’s not certain yet. there’s still a chance. Today they will do another selection… a decisive one…” Pg 74

Elie’s dad sounds excited at first but i thin he is actually very nervous. He thought he passed selection but he didn’t he has been asked to stay back at camp for another selection the one that will decide who gets to live and who dies. Elie is very nervous and upset he doesn’t want to lose his dad but he knows that he has really aged since coming. Elie is very worried. His dad is trying to convince him everything will be okay even though he himself doesn’t believe it.

“Night” Journal Entry 2

“Behind me, I heard the same man asking: For God’s sake, where is God? And from within me, I heard a voice answer: Where He is? This is where-hanging here from this gallows…”  Page 65

I feel like Elie and the other prisoners just lost all hope. I think they are saying that their God and savior is hanging there dying. They feel like if he dies then there will be no one to save them. It’s kinda like when Jesus was on the cross and people were asking why he doesn’t save himself. The prisoners were seeing this boy who had brightened their days even though he was living in this miserable place just like them. If a young boy could stay positive and survive so could they. 

“Night” Journal Entry #1

“They ordered us to run. We began to run. “Who knew we were so strong?” 

When reading this I thought it had a calming effect. I mean he was struggling but everyone was to, and maybe it was because running is peaceful to me. This stood out to me because I know how it feels when you run, you feel on top of the world like nothing can bring you down. “Who knew we were so strong” Doesn’t everyone wonder that? I mean who knew we could handle everything that life throws at us. I don’t know how else to explain it other than calming and comforting. I feel this passage shows everyone that there is someone that feels the same way you do, and that is comforting.

Bob Ewell’s Side

In English class we finished To Kill A Mockingbird. We were assigned characters that we had to imagine being in their shoes. We then created shoes to represent the character and the multiple side of them.

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Bob’s knife and welfare checks
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The back side of his boots

 

In To Kill A Mockingbird by Harper Lee Atticus tells Scout “You never really understand a person until you consider things from his point of view— until you climb into his skin and walk around in it”. In the story Bob Ewell is considered an overall nasty and cruel person, but I took a look at things from his point of view, I walked around in his shoes. I now understand why he would have acted the way he did.

Bob Ewell is a single father of 8 kids. He is unemployed, drunk and considered lazy. Bob is rough on the outside but on the inside he is really just a stressed and depressed single father. What people don’t see is he tries to be a good father but is stressed. I know he is trying because it talks about him chopping wood (probably to keep his family warm) and poaching wild game (to feed everyone). Bob just isn’t a working man. He is part of a family that has been the disgrace of Maycomb for 3 generations. He is considered white trash by the town and is very racist and sexist. His daughter Mayella accuses a black man (Tom Robinson) of rape after she seduced him. There is a trial and the Ewells win but Bob is still out for revenge because he was embarrassed. Which ultimately leads to his death, when he goes after the Finch kids with a knife and a mystery man (Arthur Radley) turns it around on him.

For my (Bob’s) shoes I started with an old work boot, because he wouldn’t have had new nice shoes. On the shoes I wrote a quote and a symbol that represents fatherhood. I also put a picture of old food stamps to represent he was on welfare. In the shoes I put an alcohol bottle to show he was a drunk and a knife to represent a couple of things. First was that he tried attacking the kids for revenge, and second that he was killed with his own knife.

By climbing into his skin I have started to understand why he was drunk a lot, beat Mayella, and wanted revenge.This assignment has taught me that everyone is more than skin deep, even characters. You just have to look.

The day things changed

1489771279568308148173In grade school I was always the oddball. Most kids loved recess and all the non-structured classes but I was different. I was the kid who would rather be by myself reading then participating in P.E. That’s probably why my P.E teacher and I never got along. I had always been the problem child in that class because I would get tired of getting picked on. I hated that class and teacher in grade school, but everything changed when I hit junior high.

All of my older siblings had run cross country under coach Young which was also my P.E teacher. At first I didn’t want to run but my grandma talked me into it so fall of my 7th grade year came along and I signed up for cross. It ended up being me and two other girls one of I disliked almost more than coach. The season started and I trained my butt off for the first meet.  I crossed the finish line in tears, not because I was hurt but because I was so mentally and physically exhausted. I took 3rd at that race.

On the way home coach told me I did awesome and he was proud of me. I think that is when it really hit me that I was a runner. I had never heard him give anyone a compliment and never really felt like anyone was extremely proud of me.

I have been running ever since. That first year I placed top 5 in every race and I cried after all of them too, because it felt so wonderful to completely exhaust myself. Since then I have placed top 10 at state twice in cross country and top 20 in the 2 mile at state track once.

My coach and I still don’t get along in class and I think that is because of what class it is and not him. I have also learned that he is a completely different person during Cross than he is at school.

I don’t run just for competition though I also run for stress relief or even just for fun. This last summer right before Cross season started I got a knee injury and wasn’t able to run for awhile. I thought maybe I had lost running forever. That scared me I started to wonder if I would ever be able to call myself a runner again. That is when it hit me that I was more upset about the injury making it so I couldn’t run then I was about it hurting my body.

You know you are a runner when you have how many seconds you need to cut off to beat either a personal goal or someone else  written on your mirror so you see it every morning, especially when injured. I did I had “30 seconds” written on my mirror and I woke up to it and cried every morning.

My coach when I became a freshman called me his little experiment, I never understood what he meant by that but I knew it was something good. When I got injured though I was worried that he might start thinking that his experiment had failed and he would give up on it. I was talking to him the other day after practice and he told me he was proud of me that after I got injured he was afraid his experiment had failed but I had just proved him wrong on that, and he was happy I did.

As a runner you are always afraid of injury but you also tell yourself that it could never happen to you, even though it easily could. If you don’t think and worry about injury than I don’t feel you are truly a runner.

Addicted to Running

As a runner I put a lot of stress on my body which makes me more susceptible to injury. I knew this when I started running but once I started I couldn’t stop. Running was my stress reliever it was my life. I had been running for 3 years and never had any injuries . I guess I should have expected it was going to happen sometime but I wasn’t ready for it.

It was just before my sophomore year when it started. I had ran a race and the next day my knee started hurting. I thought maybe it was just out of place so I went to the chiropractor but it just made it worse. I went to multiple doctors (well nurse practitioners) and they ran x-rays and MRI’s but no one knew what was wrong. I got told to rest it for awhile and it should be better then.

I rested for about 3 months and then started up running slowly but as soon as I did it started hurting again. As a runner this was devastating. All of the what ifs started going through my head. I started wondering if this was God telling me that my running career was over. I had worked so hard to get where I was and it was possibly going to be over. I stopped sleeping and got really depressed because I would get up every morning and see 30 seconds written on my mirror. That had been my goal to be 30 seconds faster. It was hard for me to even leave my room and probably the only thing that got me up every morning was knowing that I would get to help teach the 3rd graders and work under one of the best teachers ever.

Some  people don’t understand why I run and I don’t know if I fully do either its like an addiction, I feel like I can’t  live without it. I just know that if I don’t things start getting bad, I’ve started having anxiety attacks and hallucinations because of stress. I didn’t have those when I was running because it was a way for me to relieve my stress. I don’t know if I will ever be back to where I was or ever even run again but I know that if I can’t run then I will feel like I have let my coach down and I will need some other way to relieve my stress.